Lakshman

Diwali started yesterday. I got a care package filled with New Year's treats. You could see the grease bleeding through the FedEx box. I know it sounds gross, but it's ghee not oil... and it's oh so delicious.

Perhaps it is another form of homesickness, or the realization that for all practical purposes I am now my own man, but I now, more than ever, long for the sense of family I left back in Texas. None of this is really actionable. Strangers are still strangers, and I still have my family. But this is different. It's bigger than finding someone. It's bigger than changing geographies. It's about duty.

Which brings me to the story of Lakshman. He was my favorite character from the Hindu epics as a child. He was quiet, resolute, and so loyal to his brother that he would not allow Ram to go into exile alone. One could call it irony, but there is no comedy in Lakshman's desire to be "a pillar" to a man, an avatar really, who had no real need for the strength of others. That, my friends, is devotion.

I'll admit that it has been a decade since I've read any scripture or attended a Sunday service, so I'm reading analysis on Lakshman at various websites. I find it funny that almost every description characterizes Lakshman's feelings toward Ram as one of love. The comedy lies in that having grown up in an Indian household, I didn't grow up giving hugs or telling my folks I loved them. Shit... people fall out of love. They love things. Hell, they love things more than they love people. They love feelings and they love themselves. How I feel is stronger than that, and calling it love feels like it cheapens it.

I'm not sure if there's a word to describe the intersection of love and duty, or if language even has the capacity to convey the meaning of something that can only been seen through action and over a sufficiently long time-frame. But I do miss feeling this on a daily basis. I miss not feeling like I have to prove it through words or arbitrary gestures. But I digress.

This is what I've always admired about Lakshman. And in this new year, and all the contemplation and celebration that comes with it, I feel a renewed sense of duty.

Happy Diwali!